Happy New Year!!!
This morning I awoke at 5:00AM, not my usual 3:00AM, but considering it is New Year’s Day and yes I did stay awake to bring in the new year, it is about the same. Expect some new things in 2013. Site will be upgraded, just a matter of time. I am also going to start something called “Fridays with Friday.” These will be self reflective moments with myself on various escapades as I journey to experience life and discover what things bring me joy. I have a new camera and a long list of things to do so hold onto your hats – it is looking like a lot of fun ahead.
On another note, last night I get a direct message tweet from Toure’ Roberts that he had received my manuscript and looked forward to reading it. I thought cool and for me that was the start of a good 2013. And this morning at 5:00am as I lay in the dark with my eyes wide open, it occurred to me that since I had put myself out there, I might be invited to speak, to people, to women about this life of mine. Then I thought – Oh my goodness – am I ready?
I did not panic, I thought about it for a minute. The Therapist had asked me had I cried my last cry – honestly I am sure I have not. Then I thought about my friend and contributor to the book “Souls of my Sisters,” Pamm Malveaux who told me to get ready because I will cry again and I will remember as I become a voice for others. Then I thought faith is a challenge for me what would I say, but then I grew up in church and my life is my testimony.
This is what came to me I have prayed for and wept for women and girls. There are three that came to me immediately and one that came to me as I began typing this entry. The first Mary J. Blige. She was a client where I worked in 1994. She was so young, all of her handlers were men, and her friends were around the way girls. I was young and pregnant and I really wanted to be a friend to her – at that time, I felt like she needed a level headed friend in her life, but I was pregnant and stressed out and I could not be that for her. We received a call, she was stuck at some hotel, K-Ci from Jodeci and her had had a fight, she was alone and needed money – she sounded terrible. I wept for this woman and prayed for her.
Then I thought about Hydeia Bradbent, HIV Activist and NAACP Image Award recipient. When she was 4 years old, she was on a special, her mother had died from AIDS, and she was this little test pilot for some of the first drugs to combat the disease. She was so cute and so strong at 4 years old, and I was just so moved by her I literally put my hands on the television, I cried and I prayed for life and blessings and love to wrap around this beautiful little girl.
And then I thought about a little girl, she was 18 months old. She lived in a home with a mother and a father whose souls were gone. She was found in the garage of her home, she had been repeatedly sexually abused by her father to the point where her vagina was raw. Her injuries were so severe that UCLA started a fund for her, and I thought what is wrong with the world and I prayed that she also be wrapped in pure love, that she can relearn to be touched without long term psychological damage, that she remember who she is not what these adults in her life made her to be. I wept and prayed for this young baby girl.
And again I thought had I cried my last cry – probably not – because if I were asked to speak, in front of an audience of women, what would their stories be and what would my prayer be for them? Then an old church song came to me, I am not even sure of the title but the words go something like “it is Jesus in my soul, for I have been touched by the hem of his garment, and his blood has made me whole.” The song is about the woman in Mark 5:25. When I was a child I did not understand what having an “issue” was, but this woman had bled for 12 years and she had sought care and only got worse. And I now have great understanding of this particular story, because I had fibroid surgery in September 2011. I had surgery but my diet and habits had not changed – with the doctor it was a non issue and in February of 2012, I bled so much I thought I would die. For women the spiritual connection to reproductive health has to do with creativity and the stifling of creativity or the suppression of that which is trying to be birthed or manifested in their life which is not – and for me there has been a lot of stifling and suppression of who I am and what I came here to do, and like the woman in Mark 5:25 I was dying, and unlike her, I am not sure that I would have survived 12 years. This woman’s faith was so strong, that according to the Bible, she only needed to touch the cloth he was wearing to be healed, in her mind that was all she needed and when she touched his cloth her body began to heal – she was made whole.
And again I thought if I were going to speak in front of a group of women, what would my prayer for them be? What I saw was that moment, typical to any church – the one where the preacher asks, if there is any one that might need a special prayer come forward. I saw me asking the women to come up for prayer, and me weeping and placing my hand on the shoulder of women and being a vessel to bless them and to help unlock and discover who they are – that which was whispered to them as they were formed in their mother’s womb. I saw me touching them and I could hear myself say remember who you are, forgive yourself first and then forgive others, let that which is hostile to you fall away from you. It is only a matter of time, before this happens. Then I thought about The Actor and his mom. On June 25th she was sick and in the hospital, the Actor was distraught, his mother had a hospital staff infection in her nasal passage and was on heavy antibiotics. I remember the date because she was checked in the night before my son’s birthday. Well I said a prayer for her, I actually took a picture out that The Actor had sent to me of him with his sisters and his mom, and I envisioned all of us praying for her and healing her and then I envisioned her alone and well. Well I became sick with a nasal infection and in two days I was full blown sick, and The Actor’s mom had stabilized. What I had not done was to protect myself – now I realize that as I go out into the world – I am being called to heal, but I also must protect my life’s energy.
I am thankful that we are in a new year and that I am getting closer to my purpose! I saw a quote yesterday “Happiness is the soul settling into the most appropriate spot” – Aristotle. Find Happiness and Wholeness folks! Look for my first “Fridays with Friday!”
Unapologetically,
Friday
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